Wednesday, 25 May 2011

a short walk

I am now editing this post, now having information that I should have had at the time of writing.
Also in grief, time does not pass as normal, what seems an age is yet a short time.

Yesterday I went up the Mountain, to see YF and Mrs YF. The weather was dry and sunny after the night's rain, the wind still chill even down in the valley.

For the first time I walked up the path above the fire road, where he never let me go with him.

He was with me then, and without knowing it I followed the way to their home that he always took.

We are all following his paths up there and he is all around.

The first calf was born, that he had been anticipating so much.

It was good to be there, only half an hour's unhurried walk away, but not easy to come back down.

I tried to do some glaze mixing after lunch, but it is hard . I couldn't get on with it, so went and planted out cauliflower and beet instead.

The Carpenter is finding it hard too. Still no work, and no Col to keep him going either. He has made a start on his tax return-but was tidying his room trying to find his login number....
Lets hope he carries on the impetus and signs on as we need to pay bills.
He has tried three times and it has been a nightmare of being asked for more and more paperwork, lost paperwork, not being sent letters so that he missed appointments and got sent back to square one.
A game of snakes and ladders indeed.

I am aware that I need to look after my health, I am concerned at every little thing, but what I am feeling is normal but not normal.


Hawthorn said...

Gwyneth, it is hard, but keep on keeping his memory safe within yourself, keep his paths, his walks, his dreams, his plans within you, they are things that the 'children' can not take away. Cry, it really does help.

Sorrow is deep but memories and love is strong. xxx

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you are able to be with Col on his mountain. His words, smiles, loving gestures, are just as real now as when he gave them to you. He is still there; in you, in the mountain, in the animals he cared for, in the wind; his footprints on the roads, xx

Zhoen said...

Death always leaves a muddle, a tangle of unfinished stories.

Michèle Hastings said...

my heart aches for you. i would hope that at some time his children will realize how much you loved each other and that you should be included in decisions moving forward... like Hawthorn said, cry. cry all that you need to.

WOL said...

His passing has left a big raw hole in the lives of those who knew and loved him, especially you. In a way, it's like losing a limb. Life is never the same after. No matter how his relatives treat you, they cannot take away your memories of him nor the time you shared together.

soubriquet said...

I'm so sad to hear what has happened.
I've been without internet access for a while, so just now was the moment I read what has been happening.

Don't let his relatives upset you, he chose to be with you, that's all you need to think of when they say hurtful things, he chose you, not them, to be with.

Don't worry about possessions, things, they're not where he is.
He's in your heart, in your mind, with you forever.

And you'll feel him walking alongside, just out of sight of the corner of your eye, hear him, at unexpected moments, you'll hear him laugh, or sigh.

And you'll know he's there, pulling weeds beside you, or striding his mountain ways, looking for a wayward horse, or muttering "She's lame, look, we'd better go see".

And, if I may?
Don't obsess about sheepdip. It's done. Too late, we can't go back and change it. After my father's death, I spent a bit too much time angry, seeking to place blame for those responsible for his loss.
It did no good, to him, or to me.

Cherish what you had, and take care of yourself.

Best wishes.

gz said...

You're right, Soub. In everything.

My head feels easier that there is a possible cause/trigger, though, I know that that isn't 100% certain...but knowing about that has, in a way stopped my mind going round and round on the why and how.